Spare Time & Tea Parties
by Smell-o-bee
Summary: What do the Akatsuki REALLY do in their spare time? a oneshot with a scarring twist


disclaimer: i do not own naruto or any of the characters ^^

but i own this idea, so sod off, please & thank you ^.^

Spare Time – And tea Parties ^.^

It was yet another day in the Akatsuki base, another mission-less week lay ahead and some more angry faces than when Hitler was alive. It was a normal time of the day at which everyone had retreated to their rooms, but this day had a turn of miss-fortune which nobody could comprehend; they found it all out.

Itachi had left his room for the soul purpose of getting some fresh air, when it occurred to him a noise was emanating from Kisame's room… A noise that gave Itachi a frown that was more hate-filled than anything else. The noise… Was music…? Itachi crept as quietly as possible through the abysmal corridor towards the door, and placed his right ear against it to listen easier… What a mistake.

Itachi fell backwards as the door flung open, a loud operatic woman squealed as if in agony, and Kisame flew out with his arms wide open as if he were trying to… hug Itachi?!

Itachi couldn't quite believe what he saw; Kisame was clad in an extra-large pink too-too, and wore two pink bows on either side of his long blonde wig! He sounded the same noise as the woman on the tape, and ran at Itachi, his arms ready to embrace him in a fuzzy hug.

Itachi froze, scarred by the 'man's appearance, disgusted by the colour choice, and FREAKED OUT BY THE WIG!

"Kisame! What the fuck?!"

Kisame pulled Itachi's arms up and embraced him in a hug, his smile threw off the colour in Itachi's face to a pasty white, and the act he was committing could've been punishable by death had he not been holding onto him tight.

"Get off me!" Itachi pulled away, shouting, and hitting at Kisame's face, but it seemed to do nothing at all to the flying pink fish.

"Oh, But Itachi-Kun, I just wanted you to know how much I really really really really really really really realllllllllyyyy loved you!" He smiled and squeezed onto Itachi's stomach harder, causing him to be in a new kind of pain – unlike his current mental pain.

"Get off me, you stupid fish-faced bastard!" Itachi went 'poof' and re-appeared behind Kisame, knocking him out there and then, his face had re-gained it's colour, but his breathing had quickened at the shock.

'What is wrong with him?! I have to tell someone about this, if leader found out, it could make things run too slow for me.' With that thought in mind, Itachi headed down the hall, and knocked on Kakuzu's door. "Get out of there, I need to tell you something!" Itachi forgot his manners and opened the door with a finger.

"… Kakuzu…?" it was far too dark to see anything, so Itachi turned looked on the wall for the switch, turned it on and-

"…!" He froze once more.

'What the FUCK is he DOING?!'

Kakuzu was sprawled out on the floor, legs kicking in the air, and appeared to be doing something with a bunch of dolls… Dolls of… All The Akatsuki!

And he was….singing…. like a girl! Squealing every other word in his tone death voice, clearly he was listening to an mp3 player…..

"Lalalalala, lalalalala, lalalalala lala lalaa, doo dee doo dee doo doooo, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" he shrieked, making the air chill.

Itachi cringed, and moved around slightly to get a better look at what he was doing to a certain Hidan doll.

"Stupid Hidan, LALALA, can't even get killed! DEE DOOO BUM BUM BAAA!"

Kakuzu was holding a small doll which faintly appeared to be Hidan, and even looked as if it had some of his hair…

'What's he doing with-OH MY GOD!'

"HAHAHAHAA DIE!" Kakuzu pushed a pin through the Hidan-dolls eyes, and then into both his legs, then his arms… and finally… "GET BACK FROM THIS YOU LOSER!" He stabbed pins incessantly into the dolls 'heart' area, and the dolls head fell off from the pressure of his bludgeoning.

Itachi darted back as fast as he could, escape from this dungeon was the only thing on his mind, until - He hit his leg onto Kakzu's desk-

"Huh?" Kakuzu removed his headphones and looked around, and then… he rotated his head in a clockwise motion, 90 degrees, 180 degrees, 360! HE DID A FULL 360!

Itachi nearly shat himself and ran for it out of the door, and towards Hidan's room, hoping he'd still be normal enough for conversation.

'What's going on?! Have they all gone mad?!" Itachi raced to Hidan's door, hoping not to open it to another freak show - and when he opened it, he saw… Not a freak show…

A FASION SHOW!

Hidan had layed out a bed and desk next to each other in a line, and some sort of pop-electro music was playing in the background, and hidan himself…

"Oh, look at me, yes, thank you, I know, the shoes? Prada of course. I'm not shy, take a picture, it'll be perfect" Hidan was dressed in a short black dress, revealing two shiny black high heeled boots, and some skin-coloured tights; his dress was packed around the dress with socks that overflowed from the top, and his hair was totally covered with silver hair extensions. The boots made him tall enough to touch the ceiling as he strode with a swaying- girly motion as he paraded the catwalk. It seemed as though he'd done it more than once, he didn't trip or fall from the heels, but instead almost made them look good, if he were a grandmother.

Itachi stood, His jaw gaping. His left arm straight with his index finger pointed at Hidan as his eyes began to blow up with trauma.

Hidan looked round and spotted Itachi, and gave him a little sissy wave and said "Itachiiiii" in a poor girl voice "Why don't you join me later" Hidan winked, and Continued his work out on the catwalk, ending at the end of the bed with a hip-thrusting pose.

Itachi edged backwards away from Hidan, still pointing with his jaw dropped. He closed the door, and still pointed, even as the image left his sight.

When he'd finally stopped the pointing and calmed down a little, he decided to check out someone else's room…. 'Sasori! He's bound to still be with it, nothing in the world can make him even smile!' Itachi wished this to be true, but failed to keep the thought in his mind, he couldn't erase images of the three previous men who'd all both scarred and disturbed Itachi to the point where sleep would no longer be available in this life.

He arrived at Sasori's room with a lot of hope for sanity, and no idea how he could be any less normal than ever, he had no emotions anyway, how could he do anything weird at all?

He used only a tap to make the door open as slowly as the sun moved, and he saw but a little light at the end of his tunnel-like cage. Itachi cautiously approached the light, and some sounds could be heard from it; as if two people were… talking? Was someone in here too? Itachi got closer, and the sounds became voices, one very deep and manly, the other one took a lighter tone.

"It's not like I want to, I have to!" said the lighter toned voice.

"Well… If that's how it is…" Replied the other.

It sounded almost like a movie…

"George!"

"Marie!"

Itachi got close enough to view the figures and saw a man and a woman, feebly hugging in an awkward position, and their mouths opened and closed with an uncanny clacking noise. Puppets?

Itachi then saw a tuft of red hair in a corner, and nearly two dozen chakra lines leading to the puppets. The red head sounded as if he were… throwing his voice?

"Sas-ori?" Itachi walked to the tuft of red hair that sat in the dark, and reached out a hand "I need your help, everyone's gone - "

"Insane?" Sasori asked, as he pulled himself up from the floor, facing the play, and still holding onto the chakra lines.

"What're you - " Itachi began.

"Oh, George!"

"Oh Marie! I love you!"

"I love you too George!"

'What's going on? A romance?!'

Sasori threw his voice and pulled the strings, making the puppets kiss, and hold hands, they both then fell to the floor, and the chakra lines faded away. "You're ruining the ending…." Sasori frowned and pulled himself right up to Itachi, his eyes appearing more deathly than normal, and his mouth barely moved as he spoke. "I Hate It When The End Is Ruined!!!" Sasori pulled out a kunai and moved to cut Itachi's flesh on his cheek, but he'd dodged and began pelting it to the exit, faster now than he'd gone before!

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" He screamed at Sasori, eve though he didn't answer.

Itachi rushed through the doorway, and Sasori tossed the Kunai his way. It hit the door, and the conflict ended. Itachi peered through the gap of the door at Sasori now, and he'd appeared to have strung himself up by his ankles and was hanging from the ceiling.

Itachi carefully closed the door without a sound, and turned round to see none other than Deidara standing with a gloomy expression spread thin on his features.

"Quit perving up Sasori-Danna, un" He immediately strolled on, and made a sort of 'tut tutting sound' as well as repeating "stupid pervy bastard."

"Stupid Reject girl." Itachi threw back in a too-quiet-to-hear voice.

'Wait a minute! He's not doing anything weird at all!' Itachi ran towards Deidara almost smiling at him, and Deidara turned and pulled out a Kunai to defend himself from His sudden change of heart.

"What're you doing, un??" Deidara raised an eyebrow, even though you couldn't see that he had through the mass of thick hair.

"You-You're not doing anything strange and disturbing!" Itachi almost shouted at him with a look of desperation. Sanity was leaving him, and a need for intelligence had gained control; perhaps Deidara hadn't been the best person suited for the latter…

"Well…. Duh… what's you're problem, un? You look like you've seen a ghost, or someone turn their head all around, or I don't know…" Deidara tossed ideas around abit, and tilted his head back to avoid looking anywhere near Itachi's infuriating face.

"Well… I… Have you SEEN what everyone's doing?" Itachi threw his arms around and explained the entirety of what he'd witnessed in that evening.

Deidara gave a lot of thought before simply replying, "Wow, it's like you don't know them, un, I'm outta here, yeah."

Aaaaand he disappeared.

Itachi had lost it, all reasoning had gone in that one single moment.

He passed out on the spot, a feeling of relief drowned out all of his thoughts and he relaxed in his state of new calm… Until-

"Itachi-KUUNNN! Time for DRESS UP!"

Itachi slowly opened his eyes, and a large vision of pink swallowed his sight whole.

"What the-Where am i?" He tried to move, but was unable – He'd been tied up!

But… Who was there…?

"ITACHI-KUUUUUNNN! Tea? Biscuits? Or maybe just STRAIGHT to the main event…. THE FASION SHOW!"

Itachi could see now what held him hostage-

The blue fish clad in pink and Hidan both leered over him, holding several different types of biscuits and a small pink tea-cup each. Itachi could see only pink in the room, who's room was only pink?

"Hey, give him some space, it'll take him a long time to be properly converted, un"

'un….? OH SHIT! THE RETARD!' Itachi struggled for his life in the little pink chair he sat in, trying his best to get free, but when he looked down he saw that he'd been pinned to the chair legs by Kunai through his legs – a searing pain ebbed up his legs as the room seemed to begin to circle him.

He looked around, and saw pink walls with flowery wallpaper, a pink queen-sized bed, pink curtains, pink tables, pink chairs… and… PINK CLOTHES ON EVERYONE!

Itachi blacked out once more, hearing things as his vision left him –

"So, what should he wear?"

"I think he'd suit something frilly, or maybe a lilac touch to his pretty eyes!"

"Nahh, just get him in something pink, un"

"OHH WE CAN MATCH! YAY MATCHING ITACHI-KUN!"

And Itachi Uchiha was Never seen EVER again…… The end ^^


End file.
